Pregnancy Loss

February 10, 2002

I was 12 weeks (3 months) pregnant. Sunday night of February 3, 2002, I started bleeding. I wasn't talking about a whole lot of bleeding here... just merely what is perceived as spotting.  

The next morning, I spoke to my OB-Gyn but she said that maybe it's just an implantation bleeding which usually occurs during the first expected missed period although not all pregnant women experience bleeding on their pregnancy. She said that if the spotting goes on and on and becomes heavy, I need to call them back again or go in to the emergency room otherwise I will have to wait for my Dr's appointment the next day. My Beloved Tony put me on a total bed rest--not to do anything even wash dishes. I called out work and just stayed in bed the whole day. At around 6pm, it was like something broke loose. I went to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, blood clots started coming out. I panic and called my husband at work. At around 7pm, my Beloved husband and my mother-in-law took me to the Emergency Hospital. We got there and my bleeding was listed as heavy, my blood pressure was about 90/47. After they did transvaginal/pelvic ultrasound and other tests, we were sadly informed that we have had a miscarriage. I was devastated but was trying to hide those feelings from my husband and my mother-in-law so that they won't worry too much about me. They're very sad too, in a different way and for different reasons maybe but we managed to accept our loss and learn to grieve differently yet together. We cling to each other as my husband keeps kissing me and saying, "We’ll get over this Sweetheart. Please leave everything to GOD" then he continuously assured me of his constant love and his faith to God. My ever loving and supportive mother-in-law was at my bedside holding my hands and assured me of her love as well. That makes the so called 'unbearable feeling of great loss' a little bit lighter to accept. It's really good to have them with me otherwise I would have gone crazy!  

After we got home, I cried day and night until I feel like I have shed all my tears. I am glad my Beloved Tony managed to calm down, cuddle and coddle me, cried with me in the moment of our great grief and suffering. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I can't begin to convince myself to believe or agree with friends around saying that we have to accept this loss because that's the Will of God. God is definitely not here to punish us. We all know that GOD is here to LOVE and SAVE us. I never question God why this thing happened to us for I knew that everything He does is for the good of His people. Anything bad that happens to us is definitely NOT the will of GOD. It happens for a reason... whatever it is.. who knows? But I am sure that God is always here to love, comfort and help us get through with this terrible experience in life yet this experience taught a lesson that somehow helped us to build our love and faith to GOD stronger than ever. My Beloved Tony and I believed that as long as we cling to GOD and to our love for each other, we can carry this great grief and bravely face the future and even conquer the world!  

Now all we have is a feeling of great loss that only time can heal. The physical pain that I felt when they drawn blood on me, put an IV and catheter on me and did all those tests inside my womb were not even comparable to the emotional pain that we are going through at this time. Another baby will never replace the one that we have just lost. Someone so precious and so special to us is gone forever however our life doesn't end here. We believe that God's Love brought the two of us together and it will see us through anything and everything. And, with God and prayers, everything will be as God's will.  

Please say a special prayers for us. Thank you.
Rhebs

 

February 24, 2002

We have accepted our loss but once in a while we're still sad especially that a lot of stuff at home reminded us of my pregnancy [maternity dress, pregnancy journal, magazines and etc.] so we thought we needed a break to unwind, reflect and refresh away from home. My Beloved Tony took 2 weeks off from work. We left home, Monday morning of Feb. 11 heading to Atlanta and spent a night in a small town of Alpine Helen where there weren't many people around...it's a mountain. Then, the next morning, we drove up to the neighboring places and wander around the area as the place is very peaceful, quite, invigorating and absolutely refreshing! There's a waterfall in the other side of the mountain and the surrounding area is a lake. What a beautiful place to find peace and solitude. We both felt rejuvenated and we're enjoying our trip so much so that we forget our sorrows and pains for a while.

Then, later around noontime we continued our journey and found some snows in the ski area of North Carolina. We played a little bit and continue driving up as far as we can find a place/hotel to stay because we're planning to see "Chimney Rock" the next morning of Wednesday. Ghost! Very early in the morning of Wednesday, I started bleeding again and the next thing I knew, I saturated one pad in 10-20 minutes with huge blood clots. I spoke to my OB Gyn on my cell phone and she suggested that we should go in to the nearest emergency hospital in North/South Carolina but I told my husband I'd rather to go back home in Jacksonville. So he folded the backseat of the car for me and let me laid down there with both feet up yet I still can feel the blood flow. You won't believe this but my husband was driving 85-90miles/per hour in an Interstate H-way...thank goodness the cops were not on the watch at that time. We got back home at 5:30pm and landed to St. Luke's Emergency Room. I was feeling so weak and the pain was almost unbearable. I thought I was going to die [that was Feb 14, Valentines' Day]. I was crying and finally told my Beloved Tony that I was ready to die... at least once in my lifetime I spent the happiest moment of my life with him and have experienced what true love is all about. I thank him and confer my last request for him to continue to live his life to the fullest. He was crying too and promised me to do what I wanted him to do but he kept telling me that everything is going to be fine with me... that I'm not going to die yet because God knows how much we love and need each other. The nurses took me to the Operating Room for D&C surgery. The general anesthesia put me to sleep and I couldn't remember a thing anymore.

The next time I woke up, I was already in the recovery room with my Darling Tony sitting beside me holding my hand lovingly. I THANK GOD for His love and the gift of life.

Rhebs