16 May  2008 -  Jacksonville, Florida USA                                        

 

Am I Being Selfish or Just Reasonable?

I am pretty sure this is a no-win situation to every Pinay like me who by stroke of fate or love for that matter is left with no choice but to live thousands of miles away from her blood related family.

Don't we all dread the moment when we hear heartbreaking news about our family being seriously ill in the hospital or worst in their last leg? And in as much as we really would like to be there at their side to say our last goodbyes yet we also have our own life here to take care of as well as some very important obligations/responsibilities to attend to, let alone if money is the major problem.

Let's face it, death is inherent in life and this is an eventuality that we all are going to face along the way whether we like it or not.

In retrospect, during the first few years of my life here in the States, death is the only subject matter I so strongly refuse to discuss with DH simply because I was raised that way—talking about death is akin to inviting bad luck to our household and just the mere thought of losing my loved ones scared me to no end. But overtime DH slowly made me realized that such is something we should not fear about rather it's a part of the painful reality in life that we must have to put in order since we all are, with no exception, have to confront our mortality in due time.

How my perceptions have changed over the course of time. Not only I can explicitly talk and discuss this issue with DH with an open mind but I also talked my two sisters into doing something to prepare for our folks’ memorial service in the Philippines. The rest of the family members still loathe the idea of doing something like this to our parents.

Anyway, the main thing I am making this post is for us to be at least prepared for the unexpected. Here’s what I thought might be helpful to all Pinays out here who are in the same boat with me. Six years ago, due to the outrageous cost of the whole interment service in our region, at least 50,000 pesos (that’s about $1,000 US dollars), my younger sister came up with a brilliant idea to instead buy a full interment policy for our aging parents while they’re still qualified to sign up to it. The policy for each insured person costs around 10,000 pesos depending on the type of service (that’s about $200+) which covers the total burial expenses including casket. So unknown to our folks, we took out this interment policy for each of them (father, mother, uncle) so that when their time comes we don’t have to worry about their funeral expenses.

But of course the financial burden for our aging parents doesn’t end there. We all know the fact that in the Philippines, any type of insurance policy especially health insurance is just about in no existence rather than an option for a number of wealthy families while the poor and sometimes even the middle class people are left with no other choice but to face the horrifying fatal outcome of not being able to afford any medical care.

My aging mom had a stroke which paralyzed half of her body; she has been in and out of the hospital with all sorts of illnesses’ (diabetes, heart problem, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, eye cataract that just about blind her) for nearly ten years now. My 36 year old sister who was diagnosed with malignant lupus—stage 3 over six years ago although her condition has improved in a great deal after we spent an enormous amount in getting the best medical care at Davao Doctor’s Hospital yet she is on a lifetime medication and dependent on me. My father is also on medication for high blood pressure and etc. DH and I are the sole provider for all their financial needs not to mention we also help pay for my niece and nephew’s college education.

Now, my father's only brother—spinster with no kids, alcoholic, 75 yrs old, lives with us all his life is in a very critical condition. He has been confined in the hospital on a tube that sustains him to temporarily going. The doctor already gave an opinion there’s no hope for him to get better and all they can only do now is just to extend his life a little longer.

My personal stand on this issue is when medical judgment determines that artificially-administered nutrition and hydration are no longer contributing to the improvement of the person’s dying condition, in short the case is already hopeless and this actually is stated in my own Will and so is with DH and my mother-in-law’s Will, in this case, I do believe that it is morally responsible to let nature takes its course or allow death to occur naturally.

God knows how much I truly want to help my uncle but I can only give so much you know. The upkeep and medical bills to keep him temporarily going cost a lot more than we all can afford. So instead I urged my family to call the priest to help him make peace with his soul to return to his Creator. They thought what a bloody heartless and uncaring person I turned myself into for suggesting such an awful thing to do. They now believed that I have been truly “Americanized” because contrary to our Christian belief: Catholic faith, values, conscience and all, we do not have the right to take somebody’s life much more our very own family member because this is a gift from God which we are called upon to preserve and enhance it. Hence an act or omission which, of itself or by intention, causes death in order to eliminate sufferings of the dying person constitutes a murder and regarded as a grievous sin as opposed to the dignity of the human person.

Have I become truly selfish or just being reasonable? Let me honestly get to the core of the problem here. Money is really tight nowadays and it certainly doesn't come easy as opposed to most people in the Philippines think. DH and I work hard for a living and we have our own life and bills to take care of. Plus with the looming recession in the US economy and the gas price progressively skyrocketing, I don’t think our economy is going to get better until after the election or maybe longer who knows when and this is not in any way reassuring me to dig into the bottom of our savings or go further in debt just to keep him going temporarily.   Oh well, I suppose letting go and losing our loved ones is probably the most painful reality we all have to learn to peacefully deal and live with as part of life.

For the record, DH and I not even once fought over money.  Although he fully entrusted me with our finances and trusts me enough to do the budget and manage it to the best of my ability (I take care of paying all the bills from mortgage to anything and everything and I even control his spending by just giving him weekly allowance) yet I always make sure to confer with him and hear his words out before I even make the decision to either send money to the Philippines, buy a big ticket item for myself or go out of town to visit friends despite him telling me time and again that I don’t necessarily need to seek his approval rather he’ll just be grateful and appreciative if I let him know what’s going on. 

So yeah, I could sneak behind his back, do all these stuff and leave him flat broke without him ever knowing it if I want to because he never bothers to look at our expenditures/credit card bills nor care to know where the money went.   However, I have more love, trust and respect to the man I lovingly and devotedly married than anyone else in this world to do anything stupid or defraud him just like that. Earlier in our relationship, we both agreed that LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT and HONESTY are the most essential ingredients in a good marriage and I am so strongly forever holding on to that commitment with him until my last breath. 

 

    9 May  2008 -  Jacksonville, Florida USA                                        

 

How Slow Am I?

I was sprawled in a coach watching Netflex movie in my laptop while DH was sitting on the right side of the living room in his recliner chair tuned in to his favorite syndicated talk show host on TV, Glen Beck.

DH:      Love, did you read the email I sent you earlier about Cindy McCain?
 

Moi:     Yes, Darling I did. I thought that was interesting. I wonder why she has not been given any attention by the media.  I know for a fact that she’s that wealthy after all John McCain is using her personal jet to campaign all over the states but I had no idea she is that magnanimous.

Anyway, speaking of email, did you get the one I sent you this morning?

            DH:     Which one? The olive garden or carpet cleaning appointment?

Moi:     Both

DH:      <sounding serious> No, Love, I didn’t.

  Moi:    Hah? <thinking out loud, baffled and then blurted out staring at him>: So how did you know about the olive garden or carpet cleaning appointment if you haven’t read them yet?

He's still looking serious then amusingly squinted his eyes with a “DUH!” expression in his face.  I was dumbfounded as soon as I come to my senses and realized he’s just being a smartass and I at once fall onto his bait so easily.   How dumb am I? To get even, I stood up and giddily bite him all over for taking advantage of my naïveté. I can’t stop laughing like crazy at my own shortfall. It’s been a while since we laughed so hard with tears in our eyes. I am ashamed of myself and never felt so naive in my life until last night. DH politely chalked that up to Moi being just slow sometimes and I couldn’t personally take offense for a contention that is true to the core. Could anybody pick up my IQ, please LOL


Woman's Vanity

See how thick my eyebrows before?

         
                BEFORE  Taken 4/7/2001                AFTER      Taken 9/9/2007

One morning, I was plucking my eyebrows in front of the bathroom mirror when DH came out of  the shower.  I thought of whining a bit hoping he'll sympathize with me and maybe he'll agree with me to get laser hair removal job. 

Moi:     Daaaarling....you are so guapo-guapo ;-)

 

DH:      How much? 

 

Moi:    I don't know.  I heard there is a way I can get an eyebrow done permanently like laser hair removal or something.  I am just sick and tired of plucking my eyebrows every morning.

 

DH:      Then don’t pluck it.

 

Moi:     It’s a woman thing, Darling! You don’t understand it. All women pluck their eyebrows and they even go to the parlor every few days to have them waxed.

 

DH:      No, they don’t. Mom doesn’t besides  I have seen quite a few women at work with thick eyebrows and they look fine. 

 

Moi:     That’s because mom is old already (sorry mom). Maybe when I turned 70 I’ll stop plucking my eyebrows as well. You know I had very thick eyebrows back then and when I take a peek of my old photos now I sure look like a monkey.  It looks hideous!  

 

DH:      Love, you are as sexy and beautiful as it is to me even with full eyebrows <then he kisses me and whispered> I love you for what and who you are regardless, warts and all.

 

Moi:     That’s because you are very biased Darling not to mention you are also blind. Thank you though, I love it when you make me feel so sexy even though I am “siksik sa taba” (clubby).   I am just as vain as the rest of the women in America I guess.

 

DH:     Men actually turn their heads to woman with nice long hair; pretty face with no make-up, perky boobs and well-toned butt and body like yours. And Love, you really look gorgeous on jeans.

 

Moi:     Hmmm.. bola.... bolero ka talaga Tonyo! 

 

DH:      Seriously. Men don’t care whether women pluck their eyebrows or not at least I don’t.

 

Moi:     Well, women do and every woman I know thought a well-shape eyebrows look beautiful.

 

DH:      Why do you care about what other women think of you? What are you, a lesbian?

 

Moi:    I am not lesbian for Pete’s sake!!!! Jeezz!!! Hey, Darling did you know that women check out other women’s physical wholeness including the shape of their eyebrows and what they wear more than they do with men? That’s the truth and it’s the woman’s innate vanity I suppose. The reason behind is, let’s say if I find what I see in her that makes her look so pretty and appealing then I’d certainly like to try that myself to see if it does the same thing to me. Unlike men, women in general are self-conscious and have an instinctive narcissistic feeling one way or another.

 

DH:     Yeah, right. Love, look at your face closely in the mirror. Your eyebrows are out of proportion! You keep plucking them and they are so thin now… then what? Draw them with pencil? Now that’s going to look really tacky!

I immediately pulled the magnifying mirror from the drawer and they are indeed out of proportion. The right eyebrow is a little thicker than the left side.  Oh well.

            Taken 5/09/2008

I am afraid to pull anymore hair to even them out.  Maybe I'll just have to grow them back and re-shape them again.      
 

    3 May  2008 -  Jacksonville, Florida USA                                        

 

Still Alive and Kicking

I have been meaning to post pictures of Martina McBride concert and update this page for the longest time but you know how things get pushed aside sometimes or get caught up doing something else and at the end of the day none of them was ever done.

The last two weeks was pretty rough on me.  My supervisor was on vacation and I was delegated to do her job on top of mine so as you can imagine my work schedule has gotten hectic in ways I wasn’t particularly happy about yet there was no choice for me except to work late and I even work at home until 9:00pm just to beat our payroll deadline. Besides that I wasn’t really in high spirit to do the work due to this seasonal allergy that's been making me feel miserable since the beginning of spring season—seen an Allergy specialist thrice already and thank goodness a trip to the dermatologist last week finally took the edge off the itchy rashes, redness and dryness all over my face.   On top of this, DH and I were down with bad cold for over a week. I am still blowing my nose and hacking my guts out from time to time and  DH still has this coughing fit every night which in return deprive us from getting a good night sleep not to mention I am also dealing with family issues back home that stress me out to no end but that’s another story. That in itself explains my hiatus from the blog world.

Despite the lack of sleep and the stress that’s building up on me,  I am pretty much on the good side of the spectrum as DH remained considerate with me by voluntarily doing his fair share of chores at home.   Who likes doing household chores anyway especially when you are feeling blue? Nobody particularly enjoys doing it even when we are in a good mood right? But my rule is the load of housework especially washing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen must be done every single night before going to bed. It just doesn’t sound practical to me money wise to accumulate pile of dirty dishes in the dishwasher machine and run it every weekend when we can literally do it by hand after every meal. It’s just the two of us anyway so how hard that can be? I would only opt to using dishwasher whenever we have family gathering or I am hosting party for group of friends.

One of the reasons DH and I have a smooth-sailing marriage is that he takes initiative to do chores  around the house every now and then without being told. Marriage works best when husband and wife recognize these simple facts and embrace a sharing of the workload at home without any fuzz.

While every relationship has disagreements, the number and severity of those disagreements vary tremendously. The thing is husbands don't realize that most of the wives’ resentments that turned into an insidious marital problem sometimes stem from the husband itself not helping around the house. Household chores seemed pretty easy to do but if you do it every single day, it can get overwhelming. Now, if only husbands offer to cook dinner, wash dishes few times a week or do few loads of laundry or even just pick up clutters or put dirty clothes in the hamper, their married life would be so much better. Their wives would be so appreciative that they would over look things they nag about. However try telling this thing to the macho guys out there especially *Pinoy men (*I know it's bad stereotype but of course there are always exceptions to the rule) and they would retort right back by saying "but that is a woman’s job!"

For wives out there who have been experiencing this issue in marriage, please go ahead and spell the beans. Say what you mean with no underlying messages. Men are not mind readers. We, women often set up our partners to fail us in these situations by not fully disclosing our feelings and what we want. When you need help or support, ask for it by explaining the situation nicely without pointing fingers or putting the blame to your man.  Just remember this:  NEVER EVER neither accuse your man nor put him in a defensive side because you’ll never win them over that way. Instead, try the “I-message”.

Example:  Darling, I know cooking and washing dishes are part of my wifely duties but know that I’d really be relieved and lighten up if you give me a hand from time to time. So if it’s not too much to ask, I would really appreciate it if you would cook and do the dishes tomorrow tonight. 

Asking nicely taps into your husband’s love for you. If you have a healthy marriage and your husband truly loves you, of course he will want to do only nice things for you--anything that makes you happy babe ;-).

Then thank him profusely for the job done. Being liberal with praise doesn’t cost anything and richly rewarding him for his hard work is a small price to pay for getting what you want from him.  The more recognition and appreciation your husband gets for his efforts the better he is going to feel about himself and the more he is bound to get the job done.
 

Update on Martina McBride Concert

I will just post some photos and video1, video2 for your viewing pleasure.  

Francine King of Times Union summed up Martina McBride's performance at the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena last April 19, 2008.  "As one of her songs professes, Martina McBride has been blessed — with a set of vocal chords other professional singers would die to have.  Her powers were on full display Saturday night... read more

Here's the link to Martina McBride photo album at the Jacksonville.com.   Enjoy and have a wonderful weekend :-)